Everyone has memories, whether they are good, bad, or pointless. When it comes to me, only bad memories seem to surface. Every one of the fond memories just seems to drip away, making more and more room for new good times. Instead, I warn myself about repeating the past; crushing my leg under a fallen bookshelf, soaking my blood-stained broken bone in the tub as I waited for the emergency room trip to commence. I remind myself to step away from the creaking trunk of the tree my friends pushed around as I watched wide-eyed, seeing it fall towards me like a tripped giant. I tell myself to call the police when my neighbors get robbed, not to run away like a coward. Those are only a few examples of the things I remember; the iron smell of blood in water as tears stung my eyes, trying to escape while my throat was still closed in pain. I think back to the ear-shattering crack of wood as leaves spilled onto the ground around me, signaling the blackness of unconsciousness. I regret the cowardly decision of running as I heard frantic gunshots and furious yelling next door, my trembling legs barely keeping me standing as a solitary car honked past me. But along with those memories come some of my best. The feeling of pride when I held back my tears in the hospital, ringing pain in my ears from the bone that stood out of my skin like a bleeding baton. The thought that my friends dragged me out from under the tree and waited in terror for me to wake up, not even thinking to get an adult. And most of all, the night air brushing softly against my skin as I hid and prayed desperately for our neighbor’s safety, soon hearing the triumphant shouts of an old man and his shotgun, tires shrieking against the road as more cowards fled. With every bad memory comes a good one, for me at least. And that’s why I cherish even the worst.
I liked your approach to this; presenting and re-iterating three memories three times. It makes the piece strong.
ReplyDelete"the iron smell of blood in water as tears stung my eyes, trying to escape while my throat was still closed in pain." Such strong sensory detail! It really depicts the feeling of being in pain. Whichhhh is why your throat "still closed in pain" could be reworked. You could just say your throat closed up.
"Everyone has memories, whether they are good, bad, or pointless. When it comes to me, only bad memories seem to surface. Every one of the fond memories just seems to drip away, making more and more room for new good times. Instead, I warn myself about repeating the past;" This beginning is too wordy. Try cutting back and getting to the point. You don't need to tell us everyone has memories. The part about fond memories "dripping away" was really good, I love your unique word choice there. Keep that. That's your gem for this excerpt, and I think you could really work to emphasize it more throughout the piece. Like making it your "thesis" so to speak. It's a strong phrase. Utilize that strength.
I like how you wrapped the whole story up with "With every bad memory becomes a good one, for me at least. And that's why I cherish even the worst. Your details were very descriptive and realistic, and I think you should make it last threw the whole story if thats what your gonna do. In the middle lacked that/ Overall this was really good and I think if you keep the details throughout the story it would be even better.
ReplyDeleteAs I read this, I must admit, I kinda felt bad for you and the way you used the high amount of sensory detail like the smell of blood the feeling of fear as the tree fell, the cold night air ripping across your face, I practically felt like I was the one experiencing all these things. On the other hand, i felt you jumped around a little to much, even though i could tell that that was a part of the dramatic appeal, it just didn't quite sit rite with me.
ReplyDeleteI really liked how you managed to incorporate both positive and negative diction in your writing. I especially love your last line, "And that’s why I cherish even the worst." "Cherished" is an interesting word choice for such a sad piece, and creates contrast with its positive connotation. I also liked how you remained consistent throughout your writing with reminding us that, "with every bad memory comes a good one."
ReplyDeleteI agree with the previous poster, your opening can be condensed. I also think your sentence, "Those are only a few examples of the things I remember; the iron smell of blood in water as tears stung my eyes, trying to escape while my throat was still closed in pain," can be shortened. The beginning portion can be cut out entirely.
Overall, this was a very well done piece. Good job :)