Jackson Graham had never enjoyed school, and school didn't really appreciate him, either. He wasn't the most responsible guy around, and in classes he sat slack-jawed with his fist supporting the weight of his skull. He hadn't always been like this, though; he used to be a fairly good student. But the reason that he had snowballed into his empty-headed, lazy shell was put into action by his own procrastination and stubbornness.
"Come on mom, you do this every god damn day!" Jackson opened a Twinkie packet with his teeth and spit the wrapper into the trash, hurling his backpack onto the ground. "I'll do my homework after I play just a couple matches on Call of Duty, Matt is only online for like, two hours!" Crumbs sprayed from his mouth that hun open in exasperation, landing on the recently-mopped floor. Jackson stormed off to his xbox and played for five hours straight, not once stopping to think about the six page essay that was due the following morning. The next day, the routine continued and his grade dropped slowly into the abyss of his barren mind.
He continued to live through the eyes of Ezio and Commando Dom, never taking his gaze away from the rectangular, glowing entity that was his television. His xbox was never turned off, and he was never away from that plastic, cubic friend of his. His eyes had been told to never blink, and he forced them to obey his commands. Although his progress reports mocked him, he knew that the only A he needed was on his controller.
However, his own stubbornness eventually became the death of him.
"Mom, give it back! This is totally unfair, you can't do this!" He clawed at the hands that pulled away his box of joy, and he melted before his mother as she kidnapped it so coldheartedly. His grades would still not increase, and he remained stubborn as a jackass, but he knew somewhere in his rotten, blackened brain that he would never see his beloved games again.
I like the detail! An improvement would be to add more stubborn examples because it came off as procrastination rather than stubborn.
ReplyDeleteYou've got great details here, such as Jackson tearing the twinkie packet open with his teeth and spitting the wrapper out and the crumbs spraying from his open mouth- these really give the reader a clear image. You also use strong vocabulary, which makes your writing very intriguing.
ReplyDeleteTo improve your piece, you could expand a little more on the "stubborn" characteristic, otherwise Jackson just comes across as lazy. You do this really well in the second paragraph when he defies his mother-maybe add a little more to that scene?
I also noticed a couple cliches you'll want to edit- "his own stubbornness eventually became the death of him," and "stubborn as a jackass."
Overall, great piece. Thanks for sharing! :)